Thursday, May 10, 2001

Aw, FUCK. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesaaaaaa.... *Whinewhinewhine* As much as I liked it, as -good- as it is, how come Rick has to be so damned fucked in the head? *Wants to slap him* He's -such- an asshole! Or at least he -can- be. Hmmph... *Blink* Bwahaha... What If Conrad found out about this...? On the other hand, of course, I'd really rather -not- see Conrad get hurt. *Ponders this and goes off to try and write some on VDV, F/H, or... God only knows what.*

Posted by: Shannon M.: 10:04 AM |

Wednesday, May 09, 2001

Blogging from school?

Nope. From home.

It's a really long story, and it's just going to get longer. But on a happier note, I get to spend some time with Ev, whom I've only seen like three times in the past couple of weeks, and never for more than an hour or so.

I'm wearing my Spell Shirt with 'quit staring' on it, today.
Posted by: Shannon M.: 9:58 AM |

So I'm done at ECA.

 

Well, not -quite- done, as there are a few loose ends I need to tie up... But basically, I'm finished.

This is not an easy thing to do. If it were easy for me to quit this job, I'd have done so ages ago.

I don't want to be through with EC. If I don't stop now, though, it won't be good for any of us.

 

And now, a digression:

 

Dear Gramma:

Look, I love you dearly, but sometimes I really -don't- _LIKE_ you. Like right now, for instance. I really deeply resent you dragging all sorts of personal crap out into the light of day in front of Gail.

Look, I'd be offended by the suggestion that I seek professional help no matter who it came from. From you it's triply so. First of all, there's your whole 'I know better than you' attitude. Secondly, there's bringing it up in front of Gail. Thirdly... Man, you just have no _CLUE_, do you?

You make these grand, sweeping generalizations; presume to know how _I_ feel and/or operate; and assume that I'm just thrilled to death to share these sorts of things with people that _I_ respect.

Thanks for destroying whatever was left of any shreds of dignity I may have had in Gail's eyes, Gramma.

Gramma, you're NOT me. You have NO bloody clue as to how I feel. You have no idea how well-informed I am. "Heredity may not be your friend", indeed. Fuck what -you- think I know. I know so much more about heredity...

You presume to tell me that I'm exactly like everyone else. No, I am NOT like everyone else. I am so far away from being like 'everyone else' that it's not funny. Unlike 'everyone else', _I_ can learn from my past experiences. -I- am able to learn from observation, pick up inferences, read for comprehension, and learn from context.

You presume to tell me that I can do none of those things. You can stick that presumption in your ear, Gramma.

You presume to tell me that you know me better than I know myself. No, no you don't. -I- know me. I know that I get pissed off by little things because they're _IMPORTANT_ little things.

'Excuse me' is -not- of little to no importance. Standing around like cattle when someone says 'excuse me' is rude. It is doubly so when the speaker is an adult. You don't -shove- an adult aside just because you -want- something. When you do that, it is -rude-. When you elbow someone in the chest and push them into the copier because -you- want the marker, -you- are being _RUDE_.

I don't like rudeness. It's mean, and it's impolite, and it's one of the reasons that this country is going to hell in a handbasket. You say 'please' when you ask someone to hand you something; you say 'thanks', 'thank you', or 'thank you very much' when they comply.

You don't go around telling other people how to do their job. You don't go around telling everyone what a cool person you are. You don't go around badmouthing people IN FRONT OF THEM.

I am annoyed by people that talk through movies. I am really annoyed when they do it because they can't comprehend what the hell is going on in the film. I am particularly vexed by people that do it because they can't understand what the hell is going on in the middle of a film I'VE NEVER SEEN.

I really don't like it when you talk in your 'I know you're a little kid, and I'm going to -try- to use little words when I talk to you about this' voice.

As for seeking professional help -- my endocrinologist is an endocrinologist, not a Psych doctor (because I've yet to learn the difference between -iatrist and -ologist). My GP is a GP and not a Psych.

Psychs cost money, which I don't have. They're -probably- _not_ covered by Blue Cross.

So Gramma, while I appreciate the concern, please understand that you're not me, and if you were me, -you- would understand why I was a hell of a lot less excited when it was your turn to talk.

If you were me, if you knew me as well as you -think- you do, you would know that I was so restrained yesterday afternoon that it would have made the Saints cry with pride. The things I wanted to say to you.... Ooh.

Yours,

Shan.

 

My biggest obstacles in my life are interlinked... Money and Education. Gail's all for me going to school, which is a nice thing. She's pushing for me to go and learn whatever I want to learn about, she doesn't care, so long as I learn something.

-She- understands that my current skill-set is utterly freakish by nature. She is an amazing woman, Gail is. One in six billion.

Anyhow.

I can't get an education if I don't have money; I can't get money if I don't have a job; I can't get a job that'd -pay- for an education if I don't have the skills I need the education for.

And I'm -not- special enough for anyone to give a scholarship to.

I'm a white, right-handed female in the coveted 18 to 25 demographic. My GPA in HS was nothing special, even if I -did- make the Honor Roll once. It was probably just my Art grades pulling me through....

I have no idea what I'm going to do. I know that I don't have enough to make it out of state at the moment, since I need to keep some cash in my checking account in case my ISP ever gets around to taking more out... I have no idea what's up with them.

I want to get out of here. I need to go somewhere where they have like warm weather. All year. Maybe Arizona, 'cause they have power -and- sunshine. And thunderstorms, too. Maybe I'll make it all the way out to VA.

Maybe I'll turn into a kangaroo rat on my next payday, too.

I hate this.

I wanna go home.

I'm hungry, weirdly enough.

And I think I'm allergic to Lender's Deli-Style Bagels. *Blink*

Geh... *Frown* I'd -better- not be turning out to be allergic to gluten or wheat or something, dammit... I _LIKE_ bread!

Posted by: Shannon M.: 9:52 PM |