Thursday, September 07, 2000

09.06.00

So. I think that my biggest difficulty in interacting with people of any age and gender is that I always pick the wrong ones to fall in love with.

And then I can never decide if I actually -do- love them, or if it's just convenient emotional attachment stemming from proximity and general appearance of compatibility.

Why wouldn't it be love? Why can't it be real? Why am I even questioning it? Because I'm afraid of something, I guess. I don't really know what that would be, aside from maybe damaging a friendship...

If. If only. If only I knew -how- to express emotions, appropriately and with less intensity than I usually do... I watched 'Is It Fall Yet?' and during the movie, a woman remarks to Jane "You high-schoolers. You take everything -so- seriously." Well, of course they do! And so do I. How can you just laugh off something that maybe shakes you to your core, makes you wonder about yourself? Or how can you do anything but feel the way you feel? I don't want anyone dismissing what I have to say, what I feel, or what I believe as 'unimportant' or 'not serious'.

It's serious to me. It's important to -me-. How I feel affects my entire life. What I believe colors all of my actions. What I think comes through in my words. So if something affects me, there will be ripples of it present in every corner of my little world: in my work, in my correspondence, in the way I spend my free time.

A friend said something odd to me the other day. We were talking, and she said that she had little voices in her head that spoke to her... And sometimes she had one that said "I can't believe you told her (meaning me) that! Emotions come from the inside and are meant to stay on the inside!" I had nothing to say to that, partly because I was consumed with curiosity as to what emotions were being stirred up and/or expressed and partly because... Well, really, what -could- I say?

I want so much to be able to say things like "You know, I love you." or "I really think you're swell; could we try to make a go of it?" without the addressee running screaming in the opposite direction. I'd love to be able to just lean over and touch someone, to give into the impulses that run through me... You wouldn't believe how annoying it is to try to watch TV when all you'd really like to do is neck.

Listening to Eve6 is like cold rainy days and heart-broken kisses... And that's their -new- album! I think it's because I was listening to their first album during the whole Nick/Rick break-up and reading lots of bittersweet Mulder/Krycek slash....

I hate being cold. I'm not looking forward to winter.

09.07.00

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm sorry I'm so messily human, instead of robotic and neat and clean. I want, and somewhere I learned it was wrong to want, and that the -things- I want aren't to be mentioned aloud, never mind in the presence of someone that might actually care about me.

How do I even begin? What do I say to someone that probably doesn't know how to deal with it either?

And why can't I ever fall for someone that's y'know, -older- than me or something? Because then at least the onus of proving honorable intentions lands on -their- shoulders instead of on mine, the one voted Most Likely To Break Something Valuable While Trying To Impress/Help and/or Suck Up To The Owner of Said Item.

I'm scared, and that makes me unhappy. I'm afraid that I'll end up hurting someone, that I'll jeopardize important things, like friendships and career opportunities, that I'll always be this bone-crushingly painfully alone... Screw the 'whole person by yourself' myth, it's like ugly people saying 'it's what's on the inside that counts' to make themselves feel better. (And thank you Liar, Liar for exposing that sham, because it -is- a sham. Ninety-eight percent of the population does not wait to find out what kind of people the strangers they meet are. They just make assumptions and then friends based on first appearances.

Is it bitter in here, or is it just me?

I already know that this is going to end with my heart hurting. It always does, it always will. And maybe that's kind of a pessimistic, defeatist attitude to have, but why should I expect it to be different? And -expecting- is different than -hoping-. I can hope all I want to, what I can't do is grow so fond of the hope that I become complacent. If I do that, then I'll never see it coming and there I'll be, trying to sob silently in the middle of the night, tears in my ears and snot trying to strangle me. (I hate crying. Not as much as I hate throwing up, but I still don't like it.)

So I know I'm going to be the one that ends up crying in the end. But what can I do? If I say something, everything will change and go to pieces, and I... Well, I want a change, but not one that deprives the both of us of the other's company. And selfishly enough, I don't want one that means that the other gets a love interest of their own. That's horrible of me, isn't it? That's just wretched. But... I want! -I- want to be the starry-eyed lover for once, -I- want to court and kiss and woo, -I- want to be the one that makes them laugh and blush and smile that brilliant smile... And I want them to be the one I devote myself to. At least I _THINK_ I do.

And that's where it all starts. I think I do, I think they're the one, I think it's right... I -think-. Why is it that I don't know? Does this mean that I subconsciously know that it'll never work out, so I should just give up? Does it just mean that I'm as full of self-doubt as I've ever been? Does it mean that I'm only human and that everyone else wonders if it's love at first?

It'd be so easy, sometimes, to just say it. Or to just hug them on my way home, just to say good-bye.

I'm bad at endings. Ending a conversation, ending a story, ending my own life -- that was a joke! Just a joke. Honest. So it wasn't very funny. I don't know many jokes, any more... My favorite dumb joke to date is "Why don't sharks eat clowns?" "Because they taste funny!"
So I'm bad at endings. I'm never sure what to do or say when I take my leave, because a warm 'I love you' to certain parties would probably be greeted with at the least a strange look and at the worst an inquisition on the scale of the one put on by the Spanish. And they really don't like to be touched all that much, so hugging is kind of out.

I hate not knowing what to do, or what it is I feel beyond 'pathetic' and 'sad' and 'sleepy'. And I know that I don't have to -do- anything, but really. Where the hell is the fun or at least experiential learning in having emotions, acknowledging them, and never acting on them? It sounds like a really lonely, frustrating, draining and painful way to live. It's like having a goldfish -- they're neat to look at, yeah, but you can't -do- anything with them. No walks, no petting, no cuddling up on the foot of your bed at night... Silly, really. And I should know, I kept fish for a while. They're more like decorations than pets. Middling-maintenance decorations, but no worse than houseplants. Wetter, maybe.

I'm hungry, but I don't want to go out to dinner. I don't think I have the stamina... Wild, slightly-horrible day at school. Why can't they LEARN anything!?!? Why oh WHY must they insist on being so -dense- at this age? I want to smack them all when they get off course.

Gah.
Posted by: Shannon M.: 9:54 PM |